Scaly swag
by Nartog
Summary: Revealing Harry's true love, and a different take on the first task. Know you who enter here, there be bad grammar and plots on crack.


_Disclaimer. Harry potter and all its characters and settings and items and anything else related do not belong to me nor do I lay any claim towards them._

_To the best of my knowledge they are the property of J.K. Rowling as well as Warner Bros and other people or companies unknown to me. This sorry excuse for a plot is mine as is the mysterious man/being though._

_I do not earn any money through this piece and it is created solely for the purpose of entertainment and/or perhaps education(unlikely as it may be) of those who read it and it is of course free. _

_If you liked this story then please consider supporting the companies and people who own Harry potter by purchasing the books, films, games and various related items._

(With all the recent ''revelations'' over which is Harry's true love... Well here is my take. :P)

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><p>Harry was distraught, dragons! They were facing dragons for the first task, if that wasn't child cruelty then what was is for Merlin's sake? "But then again since when were wizards known for their logic" mumbled Harry as he perused the librarie's books.<p>

A voice with a curious something on it startled the boy from his thoughts, "Hmm yeah that looks promising, wait what? This is one weird potter verse..." said the male startling Harry at the mention of his name.

''thump''

"Hmm?" said the Being as he looked towards a wary Harry and then towards the books he knocked from some selves.

"Oh come closer child don't be afraid, I was just about finished here anyway." he said while closing the thick book that he had been reading amongst a great stack of Hermione approved sized books which lay on his table.

Seeing the still reluctant child he exclaimed in exasperation "Oh come on, for real? Do I look that scary to you, I am not going to bite you you know." said the Man.

"How do you know my name, who are you?" asked a tad less wary Harry.

The Man looked confused "Just a visitor come to admire Hogwarts once more, what about your name?"

"I heard you say it before I approached." said our anxious hero.

"Are you sure you are alright child?" he said concern audible in his voice. "I know how tough school life can be, believe it or not no matter how ancient I appear to your young eyes I once was a student too you know, although not in these fabled halls." he said in a deprecating tone eliciting a laugh from the child.

"Well in any case what I was saying before you decided to test the toughness of those old books you knocked was about one hot vase depiction."said the Man with a lecherous smile.

"What" was all a stupefied Harry could say in response.

"Huf, oh come on lad clear your ears in the morning." he said and thrust the reopened book in front of Harry's face. "Well? Isn't she a beaut?"

First the eyes widened, then came the blushing and finally the stuttering.

"What the...that is disgusting." seeing the affronted look on the adult's face he added "Oh come on you know it to be true."

"Trust me kid you don't know what you are missing those female centaurs and acromantulas can make a man very happy, besides they have huge...character!" he finished in a high voice as he saw an approaching and pissed madam Pince. The being that had been called God by some knew that you did not disturb the domain of a female and then stayed to admire the scenery. So with a wave of his hand the fallen books were once again on the shelves and in pristine condition as he proceeded to execute the fabled tactical maneuver of males all over the multiverses, haul ass!

An oblivious and stupefied Harry could only watch as everything was restored to pristine order "Was that wandless magic?" exclaimed the surprised hero "Wait come back!."

"Mr Potter how do you know that rascal?"

Being startled by and seeing the recluse of a librarian glaring at him with an unholy light and a strange conviction did a number on poor Harry.

"Wah, what?"

As her glare intensified and sensing imminent danger his mind kicked into overdrive.

"I just met him, I don't even know who he is. I thought I heard him mention my name and after all that has happened I wanted to investigate?" he finished in a frantic and terrified tone.

"Hmf, very well Mr Potter I will let it slide this time."

As our poor hero's heartbeat started to slow down she intervened.

"But be warned! Don't make it a habit associating with one such as him, anyway as you were Potter." she said and with a flourish she turned and headed towards her desk.

After taking a few seconds to calm himself Harry shook his head at the amount of weird and stupid stuff happening in his life and with a sigh set himself upon his task of finding a solution to his dragon problem.

As the hours passed and dusk came an exhausted Harry decided to call it a day, as he stumbled around the library he came back to the area were he met that crazy Man in the morning. The desk was untouched, it was almost eerie that not even the librarian had bothered to place the books in their proper place.

Walking past it his eyes caught sight of the book that had caused all the racket, it spelled ''animagus a brief history and the relationships of wizard's with the world around them.''

"Beaver's balls, its not like I have anything to lose..." he said, and with that he took a seat and started reading. A small note fell to his hand as he was finishing the book and the sun was beginning to rise once more, "This is one of my ''attacks'' but only for special occasions hehehe" it said, Harry shook his head as the perverted tone of that Man persisted even in writing. This small change in the fabric of that universe would unleash a sight no mortal was prepared nor wanted to see.

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><p>His voice echoed throughout the premises, "And now gentle-witches and gentle-wizards, this is the champion you have all been waiting for. THE ONE. THE ONLY... HARRRRRY POTTTTER!" shouted Ludo in a loud and clear voice, with no small help from the sonorus charm that is, making it clear to the world at large that he was the most unbiased of the judges.<p>

Harry sighed and after composing himself strode out of the tent in a manner that screamed I have a secret and it is awesome!

"Our champion has just entered the arena, odd he doesn't seem to care about the danger of dragon breath." murmured a perplexed Ludo as Harry continued towards the dragon unabated, meanwhile said dragon was eyeing our hero as all self respecting dragons eye humans. Loud annoying and a pest in general, that is when they come to them for help at all other times they are even worse.

An oblivious Harry stopped a few meters away from the dragon, who was at the moment debating with herself whether to squash the pain in her ass *epic foreshadowing* or to fry him.

"Our hero seems to have stopped as part of some cunning strategy no doubt, we all wait with baited breath to see the awesome pour out of him!" needless to say poor Bagman was laying it a bit too thick even by wizard's standards, but considering the fact that some people in the crowd were in fact listening to him as if he were Merlin reincarnated well...

The dragoness had finally decided that the pest was to be roasted, and with that she fired a stream of mithril melting flame that met our unmoving and by the looks of it unconcerned, dare I say it bored, hero.

Screams erupted from the crowd as a wide eyed Bagman tried to control the situation, and his earnings, as the dragon handlers started to rush towards the by now probable corpse, "Err its all under control people no need to worry" he said while crying at his awaiting fate inside.

''There that should do it'' thought the fierce dragon to herself as she stopped her devastating attack.

At the heart of the small crater our hero still stood for all intents and purposes unharmed, except for the mysterious disappearance of the upper part of his clothing giving the ladies in the crowd free reign to ogle and by the catcalls emanating amongst them his rippling muscles were a much appreciated sight.

Harry gave no notice as it was the proper way for any manly man to behave, he sighed and spat in two microseconds before speaking powerful words, "ORE WO DARE DA TO OMOTTE YAGARU?!" he screamed in a voice so loud that would have made Asura proud. His words caused any female within a 500 light year radius to swoon for some unexpected reason as if they were graced with a touch from Lord Kamina, the males of all ages found chest hair sprouting from were there were none, teeth growing back along with rippling muscles and great vitality. And everyone gained an indomitable fire to change the world.

That month of preparation along with some secret trips to the muggle world allowed him to partake in the glory that is Gurren lagann, and well...Harry returned a changed and even crazier man.

"Oh my" said a flustered and pink Ludo "It seems our hero had a cunning strategy indeed, perhaps this weird words he said were some spell?" a searching look amidst the other judges revealed no answers, expect perhaps for Albus who was looking perplexed, if the fact that his eyebrows had decided to camp on his hair was anything to go by and not willing to share.

If anything the boy seemed even angrier, "GRAAaaahhhh" and with those words of wisdom he transformed revealing his animagus form to the world at large at long last.

Everyone stared wide eyed, were there was Harry now stood a majestic shining black hungarian horntail. A huge one at that even by the species standards.

Not a pin drop could be heard, the silence was broken by the sound of Dumbledore's glasses shattering as they hit the floor. Chaos erupted afterwards.

"Gentle-witches and gentle-wizards this is amazing! There has not been a dragon animagus for almost 300 years!" shouted an exited Ludo galleon signs clear in his eyes as he saw his changes of winning DRILL through the roof.

The reactions among Harry's friends and fellow champions were varied.

"This.." ''Thump'' "Isn't!.." ''THUMP'' "Happening!" shouted an exasperated Ron as he looked at his friend while banging his head at the railing, having realized what a turd he had been for some months now he had reconciled with Harry. "Hermione imagine what he and the twins will do now!" cried Ron causing Hermione to shudder and shake her head as if to clear the images.

Victor's response was stoic as ever "Dis ain't good", him slipping back to his ''fangirls shield accent'' was the only sign of the bowel emptying fear he felt. He adopted a considering look "Perhaps I shouldn't be confrontational when I ask his girlfriend to the dance? Hermi- something?" the man was headstrong but his pair was a big brass one.

Shaking his head at the stupidity of his fellow champion Cedric summarized his thought processes since young Harry stepped into the arena in an eloquent and concise manner, as befitting of a champion such as he, "We are fucked." he stated in a deadpan.

Fleur only squealed and the yandere look she cast to the oblivious champion/dragon had the two males scoot away from her in terror.

The dragoness could only stare in wonder at the fine specimen in front of her all thoughts regarding pests and annoyances gone.

A deep rumble echoed from Harry's chest "_**FINISHING MOVE**_**!**"

"What?! He can talk too?" cried Hermione.

"_**GIGA... DICCKKKK... BREAAAAKERRRRRR!"**_ screamed dragon Harry as he and his spinning...friend, rushed towards the horntail, which at the moment was giving him the ''come hither look''.

Let it be said that the sound of two dragons mating is a unique and beautiful one but for the sake of the unappreciative gits amongst you it shall not be conveyed. Hagrid would understand what i put up with.

The reactions in the crowd were varied, "OH GOD IT BURNS!", "NOOOOOooooooooooo", "KILL IT WITH FIENDFIRE" to "Yeah! That's the way go Harry!". Ok that last one was from Hagrid.

Needless to say Harry did impress the judges, amidst the throes of passion the egg was all but forgotten although it was later decided that since he did ''win'' and ''dominate'', puking did ensue once more at that, the dragon the egg was his.

The rest of the year was..interesting as were the news articles.

"Dark Dragon Potter in the making!"

Next week's... "Is Britain's most eligible bachelor taken, and what creams will give you beautiful scales."

"Rumors of threesome between french champion, Harry and the horntail", these were true.

"Headmaster of Hogwarts in a delirium of happiness over his beloved student for unexplained reasons." These were true as well but then again even Skeeter got it right twice once in a while, and besides it was no secret that Albus wanted the best for Harry, for those wondering about his reaction regarding the scandalous relationship. Well he wears pink robes with various cartoons drawn on them, as well as various sweets he would never stand in the way of pure love and with Hagrid's endorsement... Nothing more needs to be said.

As for Voldemort? Lets just say that most people's days will be ruined when dragon breath lands on them followed by a generous amount of freshly generated dragon dung.

Right after that our hero mastered a skill that had teased him for months, the ability to shoot his fire while in human form.

The horcruxes didn't fare any better against such powerful fire, and Harry's own was even stronger then normal but then again since when was he normal.

Ron's reaction to that was memorable "FUN?! Fun you say? Oh I will give you fun... Yeah on normal days he is a barrel of laughs he is. But then do you know what happens when you give him firewhisky and mix the twins?! He snores fire! Aieeeeee" ''interview was terminated at this point as subject decided to run for the hills.''

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><p><em>(Author's notes) This little piece represents my reaction to the recent revelation about Harry Hermione and Ron and the shitstorm that followed said reaction afterwards. As you can see here Harry's true love is clearly a threesome between a veela and the horntail.<em>

_Don't ask how it works. You DON'T want to know how it works, also for anyone curious yeah Fleur is from the rare and elusive breed of yanderes that just doesn't care if she is in a harem and such as long as the unfortunate object of her affections loves her back. FOREVER! "Yuki! Yuki! Yuki!" ,author shudders.  
><em>

_This piece started out with the intent to be humorous, you will be the judge whether I succeeded at that of course, but somewhere along the line I just said eff it and pulled all stops straight into unadulterated crack-fic territory. Also anyone who doesn't know who KAMINA is shame on you go watch GURREN LAGANN as in right now, its been something like a year since I watched it and I just don't see enough appreciation for the true faith around (frothing and crazed priest look as he goes around proselytizing unfortunate souls. :P)_

_The human fire breathing bit was inspired by Iron Man 3 and that universe's Mandarin, the character was awesome and evil and all that but he wasn't comic Mandarin. Where were his rings were was the awesome dragon? ''Deep breaths'' Anyway that is something for another day._

_From the wiki I saw that the horntail is supposed to be something like 16 meters tall (same height as an eva?), well in this fic Harry is double that and remember he has room to grow and his magical badass aura will infact make his mate grow as well and perhaps even achieve some sort of anihuman form._

_And last, yeah when the Man said potter verse it was intentional and Harry did hear right but then again what is life without a bit of trolling?_

_Anyway you can thank me later for the traumatizing images, that's it people, later..._

_P.s. the fact that as I wrote the second part, aka first task, I was listening to '' awesome face song 10 hours''(youtube it brave souls, or the derp song) might have played a role..._


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